Toledo, USA – A 32 year old man from Ohio has been using an expensive bust of Canadian psychologist and Youtube personality, Jordan Peterson, as an aide in his solitary amorous sessions of self pleasure.
Tanner Harrison, who is single and lives with his parents Rob and Sherry, says he is a huge fan of Peterson’s views on masculinity and becoming a better person. Peterson has published a number of self help guides aimed at Tanner’s demographic, lonely white males who feel emasculated due to society’s cultural shift towards a more harmonious world.
In a now deleted obscure and not widely viewed podcast, Harrison revealed that every time he views one of Peterson’s videos where the Professor touches on traditional male roles, a surge of amorous urges envelope his slightly portly build, and satisfies his lust by indulging in coitus interruptus upon the hand crafted, intricately chiseled face of the bust.
Satirica reached out to Harrison by phone (the staff did not feel safe contacting him on Zoom) to confirm the story. He did indeed confirm the report, with great admiration, and was disappointed the podcast has been deleted.
“You know, once people listen to Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s extensive collection of speeches, classes, and talks, they’ll come to appreciate the value he brings to not just men, but women as well. He teaches them that it’s ok to be a man, a real man, despite what society thinks. And that makes me feel empowered. So empowered that I naturally have to release that empowerment by constructing a fluid archetype on the Doctor’s face. It’s really exhilarating.”
-Tanner Harrison, involuntary celibate adult
Harrison sent Satirica a copy of the now deleted postcast which he saved, under the condition that we not distribute it. The host of the podcast asks Harrison what effect Peterson’s discourse on musicality has had on his life, positive or negative. Harrison began a long, drawn out answer on how he recently obtained employment as an entry level associate at GameStop, a video game vendor, before speaking about his self pleasure proclivities involving the bust.
The host went through a range of emotions, from boredom at the beginning of Harrison’s portion, to regret during the middle, to utter revulsion during Harrison’s explicit details of the activity.
When Harrison concluded by proudly declaring that solo exploits end with ejaculating his semen upon the plaster face of Peterson, the host laughed hysterically, to the point where he had to use his asthma puffer multiple times to thwart off a potential episode of respiratory distress. The host also vomited twice from laughing so hard.
“I really thought Jake (the host) would like what I had to say about Jordon B. Peterson’s effect on my life.” Tanner continued, “I can’t really understand why he would delete the podcast. I thought it was pretty good…well, minus the part where he threw up.”
Picture: Jordan Peterson by Gage Skidmore (CC BY-SA 2.0)
